There is a Hasidic story of a father who goes to the Rebbe and says "Rebbe, my son does not believe in G-d. What should I do? The Rebbi says "Go home and love him even more, love him even more."
What is this wise and loving Rebbe saying here? His advice is unexpected. There could be a long list of far less loving and even harsh responses regarding the father's response to his son, but the Rebbe counsels love. Does the Rebbe offer this advice with the hope that the father's love might be the catalyst for the son's own connection with G-d? Maybe the Rebbe suspects some problem in the relationship between son and father that some love might help heal. Perhaps the Rebbe has great empathy for the non believing son. Rebbe's are known to have great empathy, the ability to feel along with their hasidim. Perhaps the Rebbe senses how lonely this son must be without a relationship with G-d and that he needs even more love from his father. We don't finally know the Rebbe's reason but we know his advice, love him even more.
The Rebbe is saying that when your child is not behaving according to your hopes and dreams and plans and values, love him still and love him more. The term unconditional love may not be part of the Rebbe's vocabulary but that is, in essence, what he is advising.
I believe deeply that parents have a responsibility to teach values to their children. Children are not to be our clones but we are to transmit life and religious values that we hold dear. There are tugs of war along the way and we have to tug hard sometimes and sometimes harder still. It is the innate job description of an adolescent to pull in a different direction. Parents do their child a great favor when they provide a firm anchor for their values and beliefs. Parents provide a great disservice when they let their child move the anchor at will. I find that sometimes parents of adolescents and post adolescents aren't willing to tug hard enough and give up too quickly fearing that the child will stop loving them. Yes, sometimes we have to be willing to tug more and then the time sometimes comes when, after tugging and tugging, you have to let go, stop tugging and just start hugging and loving. This is very complicated stuff and sometimes requires the wisdom of Solomon and none of us are Solomon so we do the best we can.
The story above deals with a father and a son and belief in G-d but it could involve husband and wife, friends, colleague, child and parents and a whole host of issues. Do we love others in our lives because of what they do or because they are. What if they don't do according to the script we had in mind? What if they can't do according to that script? Does our love end? I hope not.
The opening verses of our Torah portion tells us. . . If you follow My laws and faithfully observe my commandments.....life will be filled with blessing. But if you do not obey Me and do not observe all these commandments..... you will suffer even greater curses. The Rebbe in the hasidic story is presenting a far different approach. Even if your child denies the core element of Judaism, belief in G-d, afford him or her blessing not curses. Love them still.
We too often value others not because they simply are but because of what they do, what they have done, what they will do for us. What have you done for me lately? We too often do the same to ourselves. We evaluate our own self worth based on our most recent performances. What have I produced lately? This even leads us to show our worth to others by the costly items we have acquired. It goes on and on.
At the other end of the spectrum is the teaching of Martin Buber which comes out of his book I and Thou. In a nutshell, Buber proposes that we treat others either like Its or as Thous. If I think of the utilitarian value of the other person alone, that person is an it. When we care about the other simply because they are and not because of what they can do, we approach regarding that person as a thou.
I am always moved when I am in a hospital room with a person who can do little more than breathe. The family surrounds that person with an outpouring of unending love. I am sure that loved one already devoted a lifetime of doing but the core love is not of doing but rather of simply being. Just opening an eye, squeezing a hand, a hint of a smile is cause for celebration.
The world in which we live is primarily a world of doing. We are rewarded for our doing. When we say "He's doing well" we know what that means. The synagogue exists in the world in which we live and so we are in need of those who do. We need those who do in many ways and yet the synagogue ought to be a place where we are valued and loved just because we are. All we have to do is be and we are valued and loved.
Some observe more and some less. Some believe more and some less. Some have greater Jewish education and some less. Some volunteer more and some less. Some give more and some less. Some have more and some less. Some daven more and some less. We do differently but we are the same. And here, in the synagogue, we should be loved the same. In fact, along with the Rebbe, to those who are struggling in any way whether it's belief in G-d or any other life struggle we ought to love them even more, even more.
At the end of the Torah reading this Shabbat, as we conclude the third book of Torah, we will all rise and proclaim the words Hazak, Hazak V'nithazek. With strength, with strength may we be strengthened. May we be strengthened with a love for ourselves simply because we are created in the divine image. May we strengthen others with our love not only because of what they do and do for us but because they are. When situations arise and when loving seems most challenging, we should hear the Rebbe's words echoing in our hearts "Love him even more, even more."
Shabbat
Shalom
