In a brief conversation at
a Shivah house this past June, a member of our
congregation told me that every summer at the beach, a
small group talks about what I’ll be discussing during the
High Holy Days and what book I might be commenting on. You
talk about knowing how to have fun. Actually, I take this as
a major compliment and I was very touched.
There is a book at the
core of this talk. At the time of that conversation in June,
I had already read the book but I had no thought that it
would become a sermon. Something happened later in the
summer that made me think about the book and triggered the
sermon I wanted to give. The theme of this sermon is You
don’t have to be perfect to... be loved, to be valued,
to be worthwhile, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved
by G-d, you don’t have to be perfect to love yourself. If
you think you’re perfect, this one’s not for you. You need
more than a sermon. We are all imperfect. That is why we are
here today. We ask G-d to accept us today and love us even
with our myriad of imperfections.
When I thought of writing
a sermon based on the book I’ll describe in just a moment,
months after reading it, it was still on a little table
near our bed. I clearly felt a bond with this book that had
touched me, moved me, made me laugh, brought me to tears.
The book, which many of you may have read is called Marley
and Me Life and Love with the World’s Worst Dog. It
has been on the New York Times Best Seller List. The author
is John Grogan who is presently a columnist for the
Philadelphia Inquirer. My thanks to Bernie Grossman for
giving me this book. Over lunch one day during our Israel
trip we came to talk about our respective dogs. I may have
commented how much we love our dog Oliver in spite of his
imperfections. Bernie may have given me this book as a
source of comfort and consolation or just because it is a
wonderful and touching book about a dog.
Marley, the subject of
this book, is actually not the world’s worst dog. I would
think of the world’s worst dog as being the ultimate pit
bull and I don’t mean to cast aspersions on all pit bulls.
Marley is anything but dangerous unless you fear being
licked to death. Marley is a big, lumbering and slobbering
Labrador Retriever. While Marley is not one of the worlds
worst dogs, he surely is one of the world’s most neurotic
dogs in desperate need of doggie psychotherapy. Marley
expressed his anxieties by eating and chewing everything
within paws reach in the house including the drywall and
insulation. Poor Marley was panicked by the slightest hint
of any storm and Marley had the bad fortune of growing up
in south Florida where it would rain or thunder on an
almost daily basis. What do you do with a dog like Marley?
What made matters worse
was that John Grogan had grown up with the world’s best
dog. It followed commands better than the best marine and
had a whole repertoire of tricks ready for performance. His
childhood dog could make any owner fill with Nachas and
pride.
That perfect dog is like
the dog whose owner brought him to the synagogue on Rosh
Hashanah. Every one looked around with the look of what’s
this dog doing here and Mrs. Schwartz was especially
incensed that the dog came in without a ticket. A little bit
into the service, people started to see that the dog could
daven and even shuckled in his davening and looked like he
belonged with his little Yarmalke and Tallis. As the service
went on, people heard the dog had a nice voice and sang all
of the prayers very sweetly.
The week went by and the owner brought the dog back for Kol
Nidre. Mrs Schwartz was incensed again. While the Chazan
was chanting the Kol Nidre, the dog sang along. The Chazan
was good but the dog was great. The congregants were amazed
at what a beautiful voice this dog had. After the service,
the Rabbi came over to the owner and said “You know, I’ve
heard some of the great Cantors and this dog is as good and
maybe better. You might want to think of enrolling him in
Cantorial School. The owner says “Rabbi, you talk to him.
All he wants is to be a doctor.”
Grogan knew what a model
dog could be and instead he was blessed with Marley, this
almost uncontrollable canine. So what do you do with a dog
like Marley? Some people would take Marley on a one way trip
to the SPCA but Grogan did no such thing with Marley.
Instead he loved him. Remember the title is Life and Love
with the world’s worst dog. I am reminded of the story of
the father who goes to the rabbi and says Rabbi what do I do
with my son. I have loved him but I see that he doesn’t
believe in G-d and he doesn’t observe the commandments. What
can I possibly do with him. The rabbi answers “Love him even
more - go home and love him even more.” Grogan doesn’t love
Marley because Marley is perfect. Grogan loves Marley
because Marley is his. John Grogan loves Marley in spite of
the fact that Marley is so profoundly imperfect. Grogan
loves Marley and he gives Marley the chance to show him how
wonderfully lovable Marley is in spite of his flaws.
John and his wife Jenny
had Marley long before they had children. Jenny was herself
nervous about whether she could ever be a capable and
competent parent to a child. If a child was anything like a
plant the child would be doomed. She had a special talent of
killing any plant she was given so they thought they would
start with a dog but they never imagined a dog like Marley.
With all of Marley’s mishugas, Jenny saw that she could
lovingly care for this added life in the home and Marley
thrived physically. One evening Jenny found Marley gasping
for breath. She opened his large mouth, put her hand into
his throat and pulled out some plastic wrap. She saved a
life and was ready for parenthood.
By this point Marley had
flunked out of obedience school. I felt a special empathy
here because our dog Oliver was also invited not to return
to the third class of puppy kindergarten. Actually, Oliver
and I were invited not to return. I recall at the end of
that second class which was a disaster for us, I asked the
instructor if we should come back the following week
expecting an encouraging sure, we’ll get it next time. The
instructor’s silence said it all. Oliver and I walked out
with as much dignity as we could muster.
Thanks to this unruly but
lovable canine, John and Jenny Grogan planned to start a
family. When they learned they were pregnant, their joy knew
no bounds. At one of the checkups, the nurse invited them
to hear the heartbeat assuming all was well but there was
nothing to hear. After some further examinations
confirming they had lost the baby, the doctor performed the
necessary medical procedure. John brought Jenny home sore
from the procedure and terribly sad mourning the loss of
the life that might have been. Marley was a dog of boundless
physical energy that almost never stayed still. He would
lumber and swagger through the house knocking over anything
and everything in his or his tail’s path. Let me read to you
the author’s description of his dog when he brought his wife
home that day. “Our rambunctious, wired dog stood with his
shoulders between Jenny’s knees, his big, blocky head
resting quietly in her lap, the first time I could remember
it not wagging whenever he was touching one of us. His eyes
were turned up at her, and he whimpered softly. She stroked
his head a few times and then, with no warning, buried her
face in the thick fur of his neck and began sobbing; hard,
unrestrained, from the gut sobbing. They stayed like that
for a long time. I stood off to the side and then without
lifting her face, she raised one arm up toward me, and I
joined her on the couch and wrapped my arms around her.
There, the three of us stayed, locked in our embrace of
shared grief.” Janie will similarly tell you that our
own puppy training school dropout also has a sense better
than a social worker when someone is having a bad day and is
in need of comfort. He senses how he is needed and won’t
leave your side.
Marley somehow had this
amazing gentleness and deep sensitivity that what someone
who is in pain needs most is our presence. We can learn
from this. Our simple presence is not so easy for us to
give. Staying and holding another’s sadness and pain is
often too heavy for us so we run away making the load
lighter for ourselves. Marley sat down and put her head on
Jenny’s lap as if to say I am here to comfort you. John , a
writer, adept in using words quite eloquently, could but
follow Marley’s lead. We have something to learn from this
world’s worst dog.
John and Jenny were
finally blessed with a child, in fact 3 children. Patrick,
Conner and Coleen, three beautiful traditional Jewish
names. I am guessing they are Irish. How would Marley who
had been an unruly only child respond to the presence of
another new life at home. At 90 pounds and with real
Canines Marley could have strongly expressed his
displeasure. Marley was the perfect playmate. Gentle was an
understatement in describing Marley’s relationship with
Patrick. His worst offense was slobbering which he just
couldn’t help but as Patrick became a toddler, he could
poke Marley, pull his ears, get up and ride on him and
Marley was as happy as a clam., excuse the expression.
I don’t think anyone
reading the book wishes they had a dog like Marley unless
they love a challenge or are a bit of a masochist. I’m sure
there were many days when John and Jenny asked why me. In
the opening chapters of the book, I felt bad for them. If
only they would have picked another dog out of the litter or
if they had only gone to a different breeder. A lot of
ifs but Marley was theirs and what do you do with a dog
like Marley? You can give up on him and give him up or give
him the opportunity to show you the reasons to love him and
there were surely reasons to love Marley. Of course every
time I say what do you do with a dog like Marley, you
understand, I’m not only talking about a dog like Marley.
Marley is the poster child for the idea: You don’t have to
be perfect to be loved. You don’t have to be perfect to be
lovable. You don’t have to be perfect to love yourself. You
don’t have to be perfect for G-d to love you.
Rabbi Harold Kushner, the
author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People which was
the basis for my Yom Kippur sermon in 1982 when it was first
published writes in a newer book entitled How Good Do We
Have To Be “the more I dealt with people’s problems and the
more I learned to look at my own life honestly, the more
convinced I became that a lot of misery could be traced to
this one mistaken notion: we need to be perfect for people
to love us and we forfeit that love if we ever fall short of
perfection.”
I imagine that most of us
are not as imperfect as Marley but I do imagine that there
are those amongst us who have given up on loving ourselves
or do not believe we are worthy of being loved by others.
Maybe we never believed we were worthy of being loved. We
may have also given up on loving others. Maybe Marley can
help us love ourselves and love our “loved ones more in
spite of our and their imperfections.
One of the most moving and
meaningful Bar Mitzvah D’var Torah’s I have ever heard was
given by my nephew Daniel on his Bar Mitzvah day 9 years
ago. His father, my brother in law was the Rabbi of his
synagogue at that time and people in the congregation knew
Danny pretty well. Danny told them at his Bar Mitzvah that
in a way they didn’t really know him and he wanted them to
share his imperfections with them. He told them how he
struggled with a condition called ADHD. He looked like every
other thirteen year old but it deeply impacted his life. He
was academically at a disadvantage and he was socially not
adept. He invited but few friends to his Bar Mitzvah. It
broke our hearts and I’m sure his. He offered a blessing as
part of his D’var Torah. It is a blessing that comes out of
our tradition but I learned this blessing for the first time
from Danny that day. The blessing is recited when
encountering any one who lives with any kind of disability,
physical, emotional, mental. The blessing is Praised are You
O Lord our G-d who varies the work of those You create.
This blessing recognizes
that not every one is the same. Not every one is a candidate
for Cornell or Princeton or the cover of Vogue. Some have
differences that place them outside of the norm, whatever
the norm might mean, but they are still a blessing. They
are still a blessing.
Danny went through High
School devoted to activities like wrestling but still
without friends. He spent his first year after High School
at a wonderful Young Judea Israel Program. Janie and I went
to Israel during that year while he was on vacation and we
were able to spend some time together. The night we checked
into the King Solomon hotel with Danny in Jerusalem, a few
pretty cute girls from the program happened to be in the
same hotel and came over and gave Danny a big hug. Something
was clearly different. During our time with him in Israel,
we met more and more of his friends. Danny started to make
something click and it keeps clicking more and more at
school and with his peers and leadership positions he has
taken at college. Danny must have known that at 13 he
could still bless G-d for who he was and that Danny
himself was still a blessing. His family continued to love
him and more importantly he clearly never gave up on
himself.
G-d has created many
special young people with many special needs. Each one has
qualities and character worthy of our love. Each one is a
blessing.
Towards the end of the
book, I filled with tears as I read about Marley’s
deteriorating health. With old age, this dog with boundless
energy reached the point where he could hardly walk up
even a couple of steps. John and Jenny did every thing they
could to keep Marley going and give him the best quality of
life possible. I found myself more than teary, crying
because John and Jenny and Patrick and Conner and Coleen
were losing this dog they loved so much. In the beginning of
the book I felt sad for John and Jenny Grogan because they
had such an impossible pet. Now I was sad that they were
losing their pet, their friend. Something happened in
between these two episodes of sadness. The Grogans accepted
Marley for who he was. They helped him to become as
functional as he could be and they loved him because there
was still so much to love in him. Marley was not the worst
dog in the world but he might have been the luckiest dog in
the world in having such wonderful masters who gave him a
chance to show how worthy of love he was even in spite of
himself.
If you can accept your
........... and you can fill in the blank
as he is, as she is and love him and help her take some
steps forward and yet love them as they are today, they will
love you as you are today you will find how fortunate you
are as well.
We are a large gathering
of imperfect individuals. We are here today because we
acknowledge our imperfections. Accept us O G-d and love us
and judge us with mercy knowing how imperfect we are. May
we love others who are entitled to our love with their
imperfections. May we love ourselves with our
imperfections. And while we find ourselves at times asking
why may we still love You.
